♥of.paranoia.&.me.♥

I didn't notice that I missed my escapism(read:blog) 5th birthday - until a dear friend of mine messaged me and wrote "Ey, it's been 5 years and you're still blogging eh?" Like yea, it's been 5 years, 5 loong years and I'm still here, rambling, crapping, emo-ing - like nobody's business.

Well,time flies and the year is coming to an end and I just hafta admit that it's been one hell of a year for me, I'm so very thankful. Kick ass as expected. Educating and life-changing to an extend. Progressed beyond expectation. Heart-warming and somehow it ended up with a drama. The biggest one so far, the kind that I could absolutely live without for the next one thousand years.

(CAUTION:This is when I'm starting to sound like a psychopath.)

Regardless the drama, I could still assure you that my feelings remain the same tho my trust is not.

It was altered in a way or another - please note that I have an issue over trust(you could be lorat,you could be degil,you could go and sweet talk with the anak macik sebelah rumah for all I care, you could occasionally throw your tantrum but do not violate my trust,it's like my pantang tok nenek, you see?) and tho I refrain myself from sounding like a psychotic gf, let me remind you C***, pleaseeee do not trigger my paranoia. I don't want it to be altered beyond repair - coz when that happened there's no use of reminding me of how things used to be and no matter how I feel about you, I might not be moved or in another word - nanti dah tak guna satu sen pon.(Yea,degil.Just like you said).

So dear, I could still count on you to make it right, right? *raises eyebrow*

Yea, this is what happened when I speak my mind,that's WHY I prefer to keep my mouth shut when it comes to this kinda thing,even when it's gnawing me from within - as long as someone didn't show up and shower me with fishy questions and give me fishy remarks in return it doesn't tick me off or trigger my paranoia. I hafta admit that I'm sorta easy to please so you should be relief that I'm pretty much fine with anything except one thing,which you should be very well informed by now.

Owh, one more thing,in case you didn't notice. I'm selfish.

I'm always selfish when it comes to relationship therefore there are stuff that I cannot tolerate. There's no such thing as sangat berbaik hati nak menjaga perasaan org lain for me.

Hmppp....okie, that doesn't sound right.I sound evil, well let me rephrase - menjaga perasaan orang-orang yang patut, all for the right reason, YES dipersilakan. I couldn't be any happier to be with such thoughtful person BUT berbaik hati menjaga perasaan orang lain whilst giving him/her all the wrong impression and hopes is a hella big NO. Okie? You should put a stop to that(& you better), we can't simply lead someone on unintentionally, it's not sympathy, it's torture so don't risk it.

Well,in case you're wondering. I'm not exploding. I've told you that I was not angry(not much anyway). It's more like afraid, yea takut. It takes a blardy load of courage for me to come this far and please don't make me doubt you and myself this time okie?

Okie, enough said. I bet C*** gonna freak out once he read this whilst thinking

"Owh God,how did I get myself a crazy girlfriend,I know she's a bit crazy,but this is like super crazy"

(which is maybe lambat lagi or never,but I just need to get it out of my system,else I'll keep on thinking about it over and over again since I have this unsettled feeling about it and I'll be bitter and go crazy for real). he he.

Owh well, talking about kalau sakit hati tu jangan simpan-simpan kan? :P Kan dah keluar berkajang-kajang,cakap lama-lama aritu pon tak cukup. Be careful of what you wish for darling.

Anyway, Happy New Year(1430H & 2009) to all. Lets overcome everything and start anew. I thank God for another year and I hope the new year gonna be better. A whole lot better. Dearest,I wish the same for you. :x

p/s:Owh esok dating dengan the newly engaged darling.Wowee.

♥of.complete.&.me.♥

How about a tag before the year end?

Here goes nothing.

Complete these sentences...

1. My ex-boyfriend is now truly forgotten(there's nothing much to be remembered anyway).
2. I am listening to James Morrison - You make it real.
3. Maybe I should not think too much and trigger my paranoia.
4. I like learning programming.Duh!
5. My best friend(s) are those who care to ask how am I doing.
6. I don't understand why I always have a big issue when it comes to trust.
7. I lost a fragment of trust over something.
8. Many people said that there's no such thing as happy ending.Owh really?
9. The meaning of my name - the praiseworthy light.
10. Love is something that I intent to live with forever with someone who complete me.
11. I don't like it when someone violated my trust.
12. I will try to strive for everything that I ever wanted.
13. The meaning of "forever" - related to endless happiness for eternity and beyond.
14. My handphone needs to be changed. No?
15. I am very annoyed when people don't keep they promises.
16. Whenever I wake up from sleep I wish for a better day.
17. Party is something that I could somehow live without.
18. The cutest animal ever, hafta be my late pet hammies.
19. The best age is when you could be careless and nobody cares.
20. I felt the tension today for thinking too much. Again.
21. Tonight I will try to finish the new book.
22. When I look at myself in the mirror this morning I thought that I look pretty much the same over the last few years.
23. Shopping mall is great for retail-therapy.
24. Fast food are usually great when the craving comes.
25. Last sentence to a person should always be something that he/she wanted to hear.

I have loads to ramble about,but that hafta wait.

Later.

♥of.missed.&.me.♥

One of my best friends got engaged today and yours truly sadly missed it. Well, Mun darling. Hope that I'll be there for your wedding. I'll make it mandatory(yer la kan? else you'll kill me.hehe) and please lemme buy you a special lunch or dinner later okie? :D Owh yea, congratulation.I'm soo happy for you that I literally hafta scratch my head for the proper words to say. Perhaps the I'm going to get married by 25 chants thingy that we used to blabber about 4 years back gonna be materialized after all. How time flies.

On a lighter note, after 5 days of sore throat-less period. It's starting to resurface again. Now I'm nursing the stingy throat with hope that it won't be back anytime soon,like tomorrow?

Talking bout tomorrow. I AM going back to KL tomorrow.

On another lighter note, I never thought that an incident could be that sickening. Like I was not angry(at least not much) but its more like,afraid? Never mind.

Off to bed now.Later.

p/s: Selamat menyambut Awal Muharram. Don't forget the doa okies? I'm hoping for Allah to shed me some light on..stuff.

♥of.misc.&.me.♥

2 days back,whilst I was stuffing my brain with the new codes, one of the guys came to me and requested to borrow my VPN ID since his was being used by the other guy. Wanna borrow mine? No problem. As long as they don't go and hack the bank's server whilst using my ID or get mine blocked for the umpteenth time(I bet the IT Security fella is already familiar with my ID now) and whatnot.

me:"Here's the password, htf****"
Y:"Htf? What izzit stand for? Why not wtf? For what the fcuk?"
me:"It stands for Happy Tree Friends you see, and I don't want it to be wtf"
Y:"Owh ok."

2 hours later.

Y:"Now I know what the htf means"
me:"What now?" *raised eyebrow*
Y:"It's how to fcuk"
me: T__T

Twisted, plain twisted I tell ya.

Anyway, yesterday there was this guy who caught my eyes. He has this distinct oldies look. I mean it's not like he's an old guy therefore he looked old. He just happened to have this oldies Jimi Asmara look. The face, the hair and all. Sorta cute I might say, but not my type. I still prefer the tough looking hunk anytime. he he. :P

Well, on a pretty depressing note, Munnie(haha!I like this name) is getting engaged this weekend. Like, how surprising is that? I knew that it's coming but, this fast? It has been only last week that I had the urge to ask her the when is the future mom in law of yours is coming and I feel like the next time that I gonna see you is on your engagement day question(Yes, I always have this creepy gut feeling when it comes to her and it always seem to be right), she called back a few hours later and told me that it gonna be next week(which is this week la sekarang).

Okie, I'm not finish. That is NOT the depressing part coz I'm like hella excited that my best friend is getting engaged, like are you crazy? I've been waiting for my best friends to get engaged and all BUT since it came in such a short notice and I already planned to go back to Kedah this weekend coz I already promised another good friend that I'll attend her wedding on Saturday and my cousin's having a kenduri on Monday. So yea, I'm trapped, like rat.

*sighs*

WHY laaaaaaaaaa?

Haih.

How now brown cow?

♥of.busy.&.me.♥

I've been busy with the new project - an existing module but this is like the 3rd phase.(Ya know how it feels like to work on an existing project? How sucky it is?) New set of codes to be analyzed, improved, digested and whatnot. I'm doing fine, so far. The new phase has yet to give me the mind-boiling, nose-bleeding effects. I hope that none is coming.

The module aside, apparently I'm also in charge of the bank rate board support thingy now, since the regular person in charge is currently off for a loooooong leave, which means - saya perlu awal ke office, as in SANGAT awal. Tsk.

Owh, I found this spell your name thingy on the net. Decided to give it a go.



Comel bukan?

I'm off now, have a good week okies?

Tata.

p/s: My weekend was filled with a bunch of surprising(which nearly gives me a heart-attack) yet exciting news. That deserves a dedicated post.

♥of.real.&.me.♥

When my head is strong, but my heart is weak
I'm full of arrogance, and uncertainty
But I can find the words, you teach my heart to speak
You make it real for me.

And I'm running to you baby
Cause you are the only one who saved me
That's why I've been missing you lately
Cause you make it real for me

I'm not being sappy, it's just me in the I could just listen to this song over and over again phase. Anyhow, someone does make it real for me. he he.

Well, talking about real. I've been in real pain and sorta sleepless for the past 2 days due to the sore throat. I would wake up in the middle of my sleep due to the unbearable sting in my throat and it took an hour or two for the pain to subside, so yesterday I finally succumbed to C***'s nagging(Yes, he nags, macam perempuan :P ). The mithali me drove myself to the clinic after work and got back home with abundant stock of medicine.(Baikkan saya C***?) Great. Those multi-colored pills sure look yummy. NOT! One of it actually got stuck in my throat - due to my throat's I'm still on my strict diet condition. Like, could you please get back to your normal size already? I'm trying to get better over here and I would like to have another dose of my Dark Cherry M*ocha Frap tomorrow, ya hear?

Okie enough.

---

I guess that my they got the eyes for details theory is proven to be true. Yesterday one of the guys was like

Y:"I think your eyeliner is unbalance.Sebelah tu banyak sikit"
Me: T__T *insert bunyi cengkerik here*

Owh tak sabar nak weekend. I just wanna curl up in bed with a bunch of good books dan maybe boleh pegi beli baju lagi kalau dah sihat sikit nanti.

I'm off now. Have a great weekend okies?

Tata.

♥of.sore.&.me.♥



I woke up this morning with the worst sore throat of the century. It was pretty bearable for the last 4 days. A bit sore but it didn't bother me much.

Well, as much as I hate it, it keeps on coming back to me like a hungry mosquito, ya know the one that keeps on buzzing and flying back to you no matter how hard you try to shoo it away and you ended up slapping it flat on the wall? Well yea, that pretty much explain my love & hate relationship with this particular sickness.

I mean, I don't mind sore throat compared to flu and those super itchy cough but somehow, I really detest sore throat for mainly 2 reasons.

o1. It makes it hard for me to speak, not hard as in I'm thinking of how to solve this programming algo hard, it's more like I sometimes talk directly to my users and not having the nice comforting voice while trying to explain in non-geeky words about the system is hella irritating hard. It's hard to sound comforting to a troubled user when you sound like a king kong. Ya get the drift?

o2. I loveeee food and I drink like a goldfish, so when eating and drinking feel like a chore, it's rather annoying. Only this morning, when I was trying to have my usual dose of water. I almost choke myself to death - apparently my throat went through an excruciating diet overnight and got itself 10 times smaller so my usual sip-size(such word?) seems too big to be handled now. It feels like pushing a gallon of water through a pinhole. Blueh!

Enough of sore throat.

Hmpp..

Well, I went out with my lil brother and cousin for dinner last night before I went for my deployment. They just got here from Kedah yesterday, together with the grandparents. Sungguh mithali cucu-cucu ini kerana membawa tok dan yan mereka ke KL - to visit my uncle who just got back from Makkah last night.

So yea, I'm dropping by to visit the uncle after work and perhaps I'll get to bully the little cousins for some much needed amusement. he he.

& owh, my older cousin gave birth to a boy few days back. I didn't really get the name of the little fella, but nevermind, I'll visit him during my next trip back up north - which is coming within 9 days. Tehee..

I'm off now.

Tata.

♥of.radar.&.me.♥



Naah, I'm out of the I'm feeling hella bitter phase,well, almost.

Now I'm going to ramble bout my 7 months.

Do you know that it's been almost 7 months since I got myself into the development team? The 7 months which are totally free from any kind of nasty office gossips or speculations - like those I used to be fed with during my employment with the former company. The 7 months of being the only female in the development team(Well,I'm not complaining,but at times it's good to have someone from the same species to ramble with. Thank God for YM.). The 7 months of having the absolute freedom to dress as sloppy or as neat as my heart desires, the guys won't give me any whadda heck are you wearing stares or be all kepochi about the bag,the shoes or the perfume that I'm wearing. Like, knock yourself out and nobody cares about all those pesky details, BUT (yea,there's a but) yesterday one of those guys came to me, looked at me right in the eyes and asked

Y:"You are wearing makeup? You're going out on a date later today hoh?"
Me:"Whaddaya mean makeup? This is how I look everyday."
Y:"There."*pointing at my eyelid*

So yea, apparently these guys don't bother bout the big stuff, they got the eyes for the details and his definition of makeup is you look sorta different cause you put on something a little differently than usual. Like, I wear my eyeliner everyday but yesterday happened to be the day which I happened to wear it merely 0.5mm or 1mm thicker than the usual - I just got myself a new eyeliner(hope it won't be MIA soon like the previous Diors.Saya tengah cuba untuk berjimat,ya hear? Tho I won't jump at C***'s idea untuk beli sekarung arang yang pakai setahun pon tak abis.Apekah eyeliner disamakan dengan arang?), so I'm in the experimental phase to see whether it could sustain or would just wear off by the time I'm off for lunch or whatnot but a colleague thought that I'm all dolled up for a date and kept on asking me the same question throughout the day. Haih. Nasib baek I didn't go meroyan sambil menjerit "Tidaaaaakkk" throughtout the day due the the excessive attention.

I mean, it would probably be obvious that I'm going out on a special date later after work if I showed up wearing eyeshadow seperti pelangi(which is sangat mustahil, I don't have that many eyeshadows to begin with), utterly blushed rosy cheeks(as if I need to level up the attraction level to my chubby features,blurgh), glittering one of a kind dress or something.

Hmppp...

Anyway, it's flattering to know that someone noticed when you wear things a wee bit differently and whatsoever(like C***, who can't help but notice if I happened to get a tiny zit on my forehead,tapi pakai baju baru tak perasan pulak.Bleh :P) but well, I rather keep myself out of the radar. Too much attention to handle is bad,you see? Sekarang dah tak boleh pulak buat experiment on weekdays.

Owh, on a lighter note. My final deployment for 2008 is gonna be held tonite(yey!) & price for petrol dah turun, nasib baik tak topup my gas semalam.(double yey!)

I'm off now.

Later.

♥of.disappearing act.&.me.♥

Parents are still in Singapore for dad's business trip. If only my annual leaves didn't decrease rapidly in the previous few months, I would have tag along.

Besides the annual leaves disappearing act, work seems to disappear too nowadays - I'm done with the coding and my last deployment for this year gonna be next week, 3 days before the freezing period that gonna last til the very last day of the year - leaving me with little or almost nothing to do but to study about the new upcoming project requirements, structure, codes and whatnot - this so called R&D bores me, to the bones.

Like seriously, it's tiring. Funny how I thought that I'll be happier if the workload just go POOF! and disappears - now that it finally did, it's just plain sickening.

*sighs*

Life on the other hand just feels like a routine - tho it's not like I'm not thankful for everything that I have now, it's just that all these work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep routine is getting way too normal and it's getting on my nerves and I'm getting bitter - which explains why the tah ape-ape stuff with mon petit ami happened. I don't know, this not lovesick or whatsoever, this is me, being tired.

Plain tired and alone(tho being surrounded by loads of people everyday is not exactly what I call lonely, perhaps it's the different kind, well never mind), rasa macam nak pegi somewhere and disappear for a while and do something else for a change,ya know? If only I could afford that.

I hafta get my sparks back.

Later.

p/s: Thanks, you're not helping.

♥of.balanced.&.me.♥



Based on the blood type I'm supposed to be a balanced omnivore. I should be eating the right amount of meat, vegetables and such but it's simply not the case yesterday. It was as if there's nothing else to be eaten but BEEF. Beef curry, beef soup, black pepper beef etc.

Today, the thought of it make me wanna puke (thank God I managed to avoid succumbing to my aunt's suggestion for me to tapau the curry yesterday - so that I could have some toast dipped in it today for dinner or whatsoever.)

Like seriously, I think I had enough beef protein (& fat clogging my arteries) to last me the whole month. Do you know how scary it is to see a bowl of delicious hot beef soup turned all murky and thick whilst covered with a thick cold layer of fat just after a few mins? Yea, the exact fat that gonna end up in your arteries and your bum. Yey me.

Soooo..I'm sticking to my so called healthy eating for now - let me assure you that I'm not a health-freak(my loved ones should know that) or trying to be poyo but after the carnivorous-day yesterday,I think that I should at least try la kan? Try to eat right that is, not try to be poyo. :P

Lets see how long it gonna last - coz I'm craving for another dose of St*rbuck's Dark Cherry Mocha Fr*ap right about now (note : Hafta be reminded not to have it during the weekdays else I'll be staying up all night due to the caffeine.)

Owh well,I'm off now. I have work to do and C*** to be bullied.

Have a good week okies?

Later.

♥of.kenduri.&.me.♥

My loong weekend gonna come to an end tomorrow,I'm going back to KL along with Mak Ngah and her family after my grandparents' annual kenduri korban. It gonna be one hella beefy day. I can't wait - tho I won't be able to watch the whole slaughtering process(it has been ages since the last time) - they are doing it somewhere else and someone just gonna bring the beef home for the kenduri.

However it is,I love kenduri. Nyum!

Owh, on the lighter note.

Kakna bebeh, how's your assignments and EID? Coming back ey? Owh goodie.

C***, don't miss me. You should try to stop googling me darling, please try to memorize the url instead. Tak best lah my avid stalker still guna google after few years. hihi :P

Well, will write more once I'm back in KL. It's getting late and I still need to pack my bag and stuff.

Tata.(This word somehow reminded me of Hannibal Lecter.Urgh!)

♥of.weekend,eid.&.me.♥

I'm supposed to write about the weekend but I've been busy with the towering workload,like deadly busy.(Yea,someone owes me loads this time around). Neway, since it's already Friday and I'm taking my half day off this afternoon - so that I could get back home to Kedah before every single living creature in KL decided to flood the roads and highways - jadi saya adelah malas untuk menulis secara detail pasal last weekend, but it's been a great.

Good food(Mun, your mum punye sambal udang dan tauhu adelah sodap), good friends, nothing can beat that. I even managed to introduce my favorite addictive Juicework's Lychee Paradise to Fareeza(after driving around for the longest 15 mins whilst searching for the parking space at The Curve), like kalau addicted to it lepas ni, don't blame me. he he. Now you know why I could bear all the trouble just for the juice, even the indifferent C*** likes it. :P

Owh..on the lighter note, I have 500 bucks to spend on dental care before year end. What to do? Scaling? Polishing? Whitening? Perhaps I should give the family dentist a visit whilst I'm on my break this weekend and inquires about the related dental treatment and whatnot.

Well, have a great looong weekend and EID okies? Makan daging tu jangan banyak-banyak sangat.

I'm off now, later.

♥of.fetish.&.me.♥

Did I tell you that I loveeeeeeee C*** Elmo? Yea, the small red furry creature with the squeaky voice that I absolutely love to have around the bed (& not like the stray cat that jumped onto my bed at 2 a.m.).

Anyway,I love it to bits since the Sesame Street era( when it's shameful not to know the Big Bird, Cookie Monster and such) and the Elmo-fetishness is still here nowadays - proven by the fact that someone used to send me an Elmo all the way from Japan few years back - after an endless whining that I couldn't get myself an Elmo that doesn't look sorta cacat here in Malaysia(padahal I was not searching for it hard enough). he he. Love love.

Elmo sedang bergumbira bersama si Tambin the 2nd - an oversized lamb compared to the one that I bought for C***


Elmo & the Tambin after an excruciating diet. Naah, it's Tambin the 1st - the one that I gave to C*** to symbolize..hmpp..err..nothing :P

Where was I? Owh yea, I bumped into this video in YouTu*e and it's just simply amusing.

Check it out. :P



Will write bout the weekend later.

Tata.